Worst-Ever Fishing Lures

Do you know how to tell if you've got one of 'em? The consensus among a bunch of fishermen I read about online recently is that if you find these words on the outside of the package--as seen on TV--you can be sure you possess one of the worst-ever fishing lures.

There are three in this category that immediately come to my mind. They are the helicopter lure, the flying lure, and, of course, the banjo minnow (see photos of some of the original packaging for these lures spread throughout this post).

I found one guy in those I was reading about who, while badmouthing the helicopter lure as the worst he ever had bought, also acknowledged he once had "caught a nice 4-lb. bass on it." He still called it a piece of "junk," however, noting that the bass was on a bed, and he had to tease it for about 40 minutes before it would take the bait.

Another fella remembered that one of Roland Martin's original infomercials for the helicopter lure showed him "nailing 8-lb. bass like nothing down in one of those Mexican lakes," but as someone else chimed in, "Roland Martin will try to sell anything to make a quick buck." Still another guy said he found a pack of helicopter lures at a flea market for $2 and had to get 'em "just for laughs," but when he caught a bass on the third cast, he had to put 'em down and start focusing on his banjo-minnow technique.

I came across three gents who reluctantly admitted they had caught fish with the flying lure. Said one of them, "I did very well with it pond fishing when I was younger." Another explained, "I once bought a whole kit off the clearance rack in a store and took them to my favorite lake. The white ones worked great, especially for getting under the docks."

Some local folks also may remember that, shortly after the flying lure was introduced, the late-Dewey Mullins began some experimentation of his own. He was making a version of the flying lure out of different sizes of the Johnson spoon. I was one of those asked to do some testing for him, and I caught a few fish with it, too. Overall, though, the results weren't good enough for Dewey to start producing them for sale.

Getting back to those anglers I was reading about online, I found several of them talking about lures I've never heard of. One was a "throbber--the lure with a heart." The duped angler described it as "a little plastic topwater bait that had a metal ball on a spring inside. Long after you'd cast the lure, the metal ball was supposed to vibrate and imitate a living heart."

Another such lure, also a topwater, was once advertised on QVC by game-show host Chuck Woolery. The victim, in this case, didn't recall the name of it but described the lure as having a line attached to a split ring on the front. When you made a cast, the line would pull out and go back in, causing this lure also to vibrate. "The worst $14 I ever spent!" the fella exclaimed.

"The dumbest lure I ever purchased" is how yet another victim described a kicktail swimbait. "Supposedly, it was banned in tournaments. It should have been banned from sales because it was complete trash," he asserted.

For the first time, too, I read about a crankbait called the tipsy. The not-so-lucky dude who owned this bait said "the bill was off center--like they had made a mistake while building it. The thing wouldn't run straight--just a piece of crap--but being a crankbait junkie, I bought one," he lamented.

I also read about a diving lure that ran on two watch batteries. The owner didn't remember its name but said the lure had blinking red eyes. "I only cast it a few times before it hung, and I lost it," adding, "Good riddance!"

Another first for me was reading about a Burke talking frog. As described by the owner, "It made a croaking sound when you got it wet."

And last, but certainly not least, was a poor chap who said when he was younger, he would buy any lure he saw on TV. The absolute worst one ever, though, was a hard-bodied minnow.

"It would lay on its side, with the hooks on the bottom," he said. "It had a pull string where you tied your line to the lure. When you gave a quick jerk, it would wind up the lure, and its tail would flop up and down on the water. It was supposed to look like an injured baitfish, but it really didn't," the victim concluded.

There are a couple of active sayings that I think may have some bearing on this or any similar discussion. One is that "fancy lures more often catch the fisherman, not the fish." The other is this: "The action catches the fish; the paint job catches the fisherman."

I truly don't know any way to turn off all the many forms of temptation that exist today for buying fishing lures. I constantly wrestle with the problem. For example, I sat in my boat last Wednesday, watching my buddy, Charlie, catch one fish after the other with a crankbait color I don't have yet... but soon will, thanks to a small order I placed a couple of days later. If any of you have a foolproof solution to this dilemma, please share it with me. In the meantime, don't be watching any TV infomercials, 'cause you certainly don't want any more of those "worst-ever lures."